Oh She Knows
by littleredkoalabear
Summary: Things that the Doctor doesn't tell River Song.


**Oh, She Knows**

She sighs and rather than turn it into an argument she simply smiles. "Doctor, you and you're secrets. You'll be the death of me."

She doesn't even know.

River walks off to go try on that rather daring dress he's brought her. It's their first night together. Well, technically speaking, it's only their first night together from her timeline. He's met her several times before; enough to know that there aren't enough nights like this in all of time and space. Right now, on this night, he's lucky enough that they're both towards the beginning of their relationship. Up until now, he's only known how her story ends.

But oh, she doesn't know.

But now he gets to see how her story began. He's so used to a River that looks right through him, that _knows_ him, whether he likes it or not. It's quite the paradox, but he thinks he may like that the most. This River may be just as much the strong willed and cheeky woman he's always known, but now she's so young and this time when she looks at him . . .

She doesn't know.

It's a bit later in his timeline. River is asleep next to him and of course he's still awake. Thinking. It's really not a good thing for him to be doing. Really, he should just get up and do something, but the hum of the T.A.R.D.I.S. mixed with his wife's even breathing is soothing and it's been so long since he just relaxed. But relaxing leads to thinking and that simply can't do. Because . . . _his wife._ It wasn't a real Gallifreyan ceremony, but it was as close as he could make it. And it doesn't really matter because it didn't technically happen, that time line completel_y_ collapsed. But he _meant it _and that's all a bit surprising, isn't it? And she did to. So there it is. She's his wife. It wasn't a real ceremony, and it never actually happened, but it was real to them.

She doesn't know.

He looks down at her and thinks it's not enough. There's that one last thing he left out. The word she whispered in his ear in the library, years ago for him now, and he will make it years for her yet. Because the longer he keeps that secret from her, the more time he has with her. So it is the very most important thing to him that she doesn't know.

She _can't _know. Please, not yet.

And damn it all, she knows. She's Professor River Song, of course she would find out. He caught her snooping around in the library. "I was just taking a swim. You really should have joined me." And now he's going to kick himself all the way to Trenzalore because he caught her just about to open that cursed book that the T.A.R.D.I.S. insists on placing on that stupid stand out for anyone to see if they just turned down the right hallway. And he got rather upset at the site of her in front of it and demanded that she not read it and how on Earth did he think that was going to go over? So he takes her hand gently in his when she reaches out for the book again. "Please. I'll tell you. Just let me be the one to do it."

She doesn't know.

He finally whispers it in her ear, just a few hours later. After he knows Amy and Rory have gone to sleep. After dinner and what exactly was in that drink she brought him? After hours of catching up in his thankfully soundproof room. After he realizes those handcuffs are painfully familiar. After finally admitting to himself that Time Lord or not, he can't always stop time.

But she doesn't know.

She doesn't know how he hates that name. He chose The Doctor because he wanted to make people better. That other name belongs to the man that killed his own people; his friends, his family, his children, even sweet Susan. He looks at River, pleads with River, to understand. His secrets are kept for a reason. His secrets keep people safe. He tells her that he's sorry and she thinks he's talking about the Time War.

She doesn't know.

"There's only one way I'd ever accept. If you ever loved me, say it like you're going to come back." And so he does. He plays this game of pretend.

"Well then. See you around, Professor River Song."

"'Till the next time, Doctor."

"Don't wait up."

And she doesn't. She leaves him with a little clue of his future, just as if he was coming back. "Spoilers" she says with a smile that is so alive it burns and for a second he could almost believe she was really there. In that second he wants to grab her, kiss her, tell her he loves her, that even to this day he wishes he could have been in that chair instead of her. But before he can she begins to fade.

"Goodbye, Sweetie."

Oh, she knows.


End file.
